Consequences vs. Punishment: What Works Best in Parenting?
Children are punished to be disciplined. Although the ways of punishment differ according to countries, social, cultural and economical norms of each family and society, the children growing up in the current century are seeing a transparent world through the internet and social media, where they learn that some of the punishments then are not the norm today and can’t be accepted like in the past.
Just like the roman times, fathers then had the right to beat and starve them and even kill them, even though the majority went for what was less to them it was beyond what they deserved. Often times, we wonder if maybe we are being harsh, thinking it’s less than what we’ve endured from our parents.
The ways of disciplining has to now shape around the emotional well being of the current generations, Gen Z and Gen Alpha.
Why Do Parents Punish Their Children?
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To teach the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour with clear boundaries and house rules.
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To show the importance of education when they are concerned about the lower grades or failing marks.
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To satisfy their higher expectation on their child by pressuring them to work harder and excel in education or a skill.
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To show the cause and effect relationship in which every choice or action has a consequence.
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To improve or maintain the family social standing when they see that the performance level is lower compared to other people they compare them to.
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To copy the same way they were treated as a child or to duplicate the ways of punishment as that was how they were taught to raise a child and how it is done in their culture or society they are part of.
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To help them make better decisions to stay out of unnecessary hardship in order to succeed in the future.
What to Consider While Setting Boundaries and Rules
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Consider your family values and priorities. Good family values are built on respect, care and love for yourself and each other. They learn from watching how adults treat each other or they reflect how you treat them.
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Choose your way of discipline considering their mental capacity, age and their emotional strength. Rules for teenagers should not be the same as the rules for toddlers. Over expecting and undermining a child’s choice can lead to negative outcomes. For example, when using time-outs, the rule of thumb is 1 minute for each year of their age.
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Allow children to experience natural consequences when it’s safe to do so instead of imposing punishment. If they don’t want to do their homework, allow them to see their grades drop. If they refuse to wear boots, allow them to get cold in the rain or snow. They always feel a need to push a button they're not supposed to. Once they find out what the button does they don’t push it again, so don’t worry about stopping them that will only want to make them push it more. This is what Gen Z calls reverse psychology, use it well and wisely
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Reinforce good behaviour with positive praise, encouragement, and rewards with more playtime, outings or buying something they consider fun. This will boost their self-esteem and make them repeat and build on good behaviour.
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Removing privileges such as screen time, games, driving time, time spent out or in hobbies will want to make them straighten up and become conscious of their behaviour. This shouldn’t be used every other day either.
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Have open communication with your teenagers without judging or blaming them. Gen Z thinks differently, a lot of their choices and behaviours have reasons behind them. Allow them to express their concerns, feelings and reasons behind their action. Teenagers are more likely to be outspoken even if it comes out bursting with frustration. Listen actively and patiently. Allow them to get through their emotions, give them guidance and support they need to overcome their wrong choices and challenges. Seek help from a third party if you can’t offer what they need to become better, without fearing that you are not good enough of a parent. This will create a trust and bond between the two of you.
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Build trust from a young age instead of showing anger and irritation. Building trust involves listening ears, empathy towards their emotions, being clear and specific in conversations, handling your own negative emotions and challenges positively, discovering and discussing ways to manage their emotions and willingness to change things around to help them to cope with the changes they're making to be better.
In summary,
discipline should not be used as a means to control, confine or compromise their lives so that the adult can feel superior, live their own desires for life, become a bully and a therapist thereafter or venting their anger and frustration by inflicting unnecessary pain and punishment emotionally, physically or socially. A child will grasp more from watching you than being told who to be, therefor be the example you want to preach.
